The fall morning drew gray lines across the weathered face of Sheldrake Danbom. Their big nose twitched, and they turned in their bed with a snort. Their biggest dog, Maisey, let out a whine and raised her head to survey the room. Maisey huffed and let her big troll-hound head plop back down. Rick and Hattie B., Sheldrake’s two other troll-hounds, huffed and sighed and shifted. The four settled back down as the light turned to yellow through the twine curtains of Sheldrake’s cabin.
Until the phone rang, and up jumped everybody as Sheldrake hollered, “Damn!” They shook out their long brown hair, scratching their head with calloused fingers. Maisey, fast as a whip, was already in the kitchen with the ringing phone, while Rick gently got himself off the bed, and Hattie B. stretched her long legs with a yawn. Sheldrake pulled themself to the end of the bed and hopped off. They grumbled on their way to the phone, picking up a hair-tie and lazily wrapping their crunchy hair into a bun. The rotary phone trilled on the kitchen table, ignored as Sheldrake got themself a glass of water from the tap. Taking a sip, they turned and pulled out the chair to sit next to the ringing phone. Maisey patrolled around the house, Rick sniffed at his food bowl, and Hattie B. pushed her head into Sheldrake’s hand.
Sheldrake smiled at their enormous hunting dog, and scratched behind her ears as they finally lifted the phone to answer. “Sheldrake’s Troll Huntin’,” their voice was gruff, molded by the Appalachia.
“Hi,” the voice on the phone was young and worried, “I, uh, have a bit of a troll problem, I guess.”
“Who doesn’t?” Sheldrake rubbed their eyes with their palm.
“The thing is, do you travel? I’m down here in Manchester, I know that’s a bit from … Wartburg?”
“Yeah,” Sheldrake cleared their throat, “I’ll travel; what kind of troll you got?”
“W-what?”
Sheldrake sighed and stood up to look out their kitchen window into the misty forest beyond, “I said,” they drawled, “what kind of troll you got? Snake-eater? Mountaineer? Hillbaby? Treewalker?”
“Uh,” there was a pause on the line, “Just a regular one? Like, as tall as my house and kind of, like, fat?”
Sheldrake thought, and considered the general size of houses before affirming, “That’s a Hillbaby alright. You said you’re in Manchester?”
“Yeah, I woke up this morning to my dog yapping like crazy, I go out and see this huge stone giant. I mean, I’ve heard the stories, but I’ve never actually seen one before. I found your ad in a newspaper.”
Sheldrake started measuring coffee grounds into a filter, phone tucked between their ear and shoulder, “Yeah, you’re lucky then. He’ll be stone till the sun sets. I can’t move him when he’s like that. Look he’s harmless ‘till this afternoon, I’ll be over around four o’clock.”
“What? What? You want me to just leave him there? That’s insane!”
Sheldrake dropped the measuring spoon and gripped the phone, “You want me to come risk my life and get a troll for you? I’ll be there at four pm. I’ll bring my dogs, and my guns, and my expert skills, and it’ll cost you four hundred dollars, and that’ll be the way it is, or you don’t have my business and you can kill that troll yourself!”
There was another pause on the line, and then the young man told the troll hunter where to find his house.
Sheldrake dropped the phone on the kitchen table, not bothering to ensure it hung up. They had a job to do today, and wouldn’t be taking any more calls.
**
“Well, you tell that son-of-a-bitch that it’s a damn fine idea, it’s a safe idea, and it’s a god-damn fun idea, and that with or without his help I’m doing it!” A tall man with trimmed red hair stood fuming in his warm office. Elliot Chambers snapped and pocketed his flip phone in his slacks. He turned towards his desk and leaned heavily on his hands, scowling at the papers and blueprints strewn across the polished wood. He huffed and righted himself, straightening his tie and patting down his suit. His straight nose twitched and he glowered at the door across the room. “It’s fine Elliot, you don’t need his investment,” he told himself through gritted teeth. “I can work with this,” he muttered, stepping out from behind his desk, “I can work with this.”
Elliot led himself through his administrative offices, smiling politely at his secretary, as he stepped out into the zoo he had spent so many dedicated years on. He paused to admire the buzz of earlybirds who loved the zoo.
Elliot tapped his fingers on his thigh, nerves frayed from the unsavory morning call. He stepped off the offices’ porch and strode away from the wide-eyed earlybirds, up the hill, past the chimpanzee enclosure, and arrived at the empty space on the highest spot in the zoo. It had such a lovely view of the sunrise.
It was all complete, it was all ready, Elliot lamented as he stood with hands on hips. His plan was fool-proof, he knew. He kicked the dirt around the renovated hilltop with a tisk. “I take care of lions, tigers, and bears,” he muttered, “there’s no reason I can’t take care of a few fucking trolls.” Elliot examined the notice board, where a leaflet hung with the design for his exhibit, Troll Garden.
Elliot leaned forward, lost in daydreams of the logistics for the troll exhibit, while his secretary slowly made his way up the hill behind him.
“Mr. Chambers?” Elliot turned, a little startled, to see Jim with the office’s phone.
“Jim, yes, what is it?” Elliot stood straight.
Jim, catching his breath, said, “There’s a call for you.”
Elliot reached for the phone, “Alright ... you don’t have to come all the way-”
“-No, it’s about a troll-”
Elliot held the phone to his ear and turned on his heel, fire rising in his chest as he beamed towards the renovated space, “-Chambers here.”
“Hi, is this the zookeeper in Chattanooga looking for trolls?” A young voice sounded worried on the phone.
“Absolutely, this is Elliot Chambers, owner and operator of the Chattanooga zoo! With whom am I speaking?” He paced as he spoke.
“My name is Austin Daniels, I actually live out in Manchester. Look, I have a stoned troll in my backyard right now and I want it gone as soon as possible. I called this other guy-”
“Your words are music to my ears, Austin, I would love to come take that troll off your hands.”
“Oh! Uh, what time would you be able to come get it?”
“You said you’re in Manchester?”
“Yeah-”
“-I can be there in,” he checked his watch, “three hours.”
“One o’clock? Okay, that’s better than four at least-”
“-Let me know your address and I will be over as soon as I can.” Logistics formulated in Elliot's mind. He'd need a truck for sure, perhaps a cage? A large cage?
Jim began to walk back down the hill without his boss, but paused when Elliot snapped his fingers at him. "Clear my schedule, I’ll be leaving the zoo for the day." He resumed the phone call with a smooth, thrilled smile.
**
The green digits of Sheldrake's dashboard clock read 3:58, and they were still fifteen minutes outside of Manchester. Maisey, Rick, and Hattie B. all were relaxed in the backseat of the double doored pickup, unaware that Sheldrake was running late. When the red truck finally arrived at the address Sheldrake had been given over the phone, the troll hunter parked on the street in front of the yard, rolled down the window, and stared in shock at the scene before them.
The address had brought Sheldrake to a large neighborhood, each house having at least two acres of land around them, with a line of trees signaling the beginnings of a forest in the distance. The house itself was a spruced up old farmhouse. Sheldrake counted three stories of windows.
Which meant the thirty foot tall troll being wrangled into the back of a tractor trailer by a tall red headed man was definitely not a Hillbaby. A wave of dread passed through Sheldrake, as they considered all the trolls it could be...
"Hey!" Sheldrake yelled out their window before wrenching open the door. They jumped out with a thud on the grass, slinging their shotgun over their shoulder. Maisey, Rick, and Hattie B. flooded out behind the troll hunter, running and barking towards the stone giant. The door of Sheldrake’s truck gave a metallic creak when they slammed it shut and stormed towards the struggling man across the yard.
The tall man was wearing a white button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and navy slacks. He was visibly sweating as he pushed desperately at the long, gnarled feet of the troll, trying to leverage it up a ramp into the trailer.
"Hey!" Sheldrake approached him, grabbing his shoulder and wrenching it back, "What the Hell do you think you're doing with my troll?"
Elliot slung Sheldrake's hand off, turning to press his back against the stone of the troll's leg, "Excuse me fella, I don't know who you think-"
The front door of the house opened to the west of the commotion, and a thin young man poked his head out, "Uh, gentlemen," his voice was full of worry.
Sheldrake snapped their head towards Austin Daniels, "Don’t you gentlemen me." They strode forward, "You the kid that called for a troll hunter?"
"You must be Sheldrake," Austin called and stepped outside to close the door. He moved towards the scene, checking his wrist watch. He pushed down the sleeve of his neat, blue flannel, saying, "Well I guess it's good you showed up anyway, Mr. Chambers seems to be having some difficulty."
"Excuse me, I was here first; who is this person?" Elliot began, righting himself off the troll leg. Maisey, Rick, and Hattie B. sniffed and barked at his feet.
“My name is Sheldrake,” they drawled, “I am a troll hunter.”
Elliot held a hand up, “I’m afraid I don’t understand wh-”
"-Nothing to understand here. That troll is not a Hillbaby!" Sheldrake yelled over Elliot. They pointed their shotgun at the scene of the toppled over giant. Elliot had wrestled and maneuvered its head and shoulders onto a ramp into the back of the tractor trailer, but there was still a long way to go before the whole body was ‘safely’ inside. "This is not how you handle this situation! What the Hell are you even doing with that thing, who the Hell are you?" They directed at Elliott.
Elliot snarled back at Sheldrake, "I own the Chattanooga zoo-"
Sheldrake's teeth bared in disgust, "-Oh look here, we got ourselves a zookeeper!" The troll hunter paced side to side in front of Elliot, "You gonna fit that thing into that trailer? That your plan, zookeeper?" Sheldrake spit to the side, "No wonder it's taken you hours just to get it here." They gestured to the rope and pulleys around the troll.
“At least I’ve been here,” Elliot snapped back and gestured toward Austin, “this young man has been scared out of his mind.”
“Rightfully so! If he’d told me how dire this was over the phone I’d have rushed right on over,” Sheldrake said.
“I tried to explain to you,” Austin chimed in, “I just really want that thing gone! I don’t know anything about trolls, how am I supposed to know what the difference between them is? I told you what it looked like and you decided it was a ‘Hillbaby’!” He said, using air quotes.
Elliot felt a little vindicated, his mind singularly focused on the zoo, “See this is exactly what I’m talking about.” He pushed at his sleeves, “No one is educated on these beasts, that’s why we need an exhibit on them, if you’ll just let me take it back to Chattanooga, we’ll kill two birds with one stone.”
“Only ones getting killed by stone’s us!” Sheldrake exclaimed, “So let me give you two a little lesson.” They stomped towards the troll, “This beast’s a Loggerpuss,” they gestured at the troll, “and a big one at that. Stronger than an elephant with weight to match, this monster can kill you with one swipe of its paw.”
“So can tigers, and I take care of several of those!” Elliot retorted.
Sheldrake spat, “Ain’t nothing like a tiger. You can domesticate them, teach ‘em tricks. I am telling you right now this is a different level than some zoo exhibit!”
Elliot stormed towards Sheldrake, “Look here, I can handle this myself!”
Austin looked frantically between the two of them as they fought, “No, no, it would be great if you could both stay please, and get that thing out of here.”
“Great!” Elliot said, “so you can both help me push this guy into the truck, okay?” He maneuvered to the feet of the troll again, and made to push it.
Sheldrake was aghast, "You seriously wanna put that thing in a zoo? Are you out of your mind?"
"It's a damn fine idea," Elliot growled, standing back up and pointing at Sheldrake, "it's a safe idea, and I am going to do it!"
"Like Hell you are. This kid," Sheldrake pointed to Austin, "called me at the crack of dawn to come get this thing. I am gonna kill it right when it wakes up, and then drag its body into the woods and burn it."
Elliot stepped forward, towering over Sheldrake as he pointed a finger at the troll hunter's chest, "No, no, no, I got here first, what I say goes, and this troll will be the first one in my exhibit! I have it all planned out," Elliot yelled, "and I will not let some two bit hick take that from me!"
Sheldrake shoved Elliot back. Maisey barked at him from Sheldrake's side, Rick jumped and scratched at the enormous legs of the troll, and Hattie B. darted towards Elliot to run around him. The tall man tripped as he was shoved, and landed at the feet of the troll. When he looked up again, he was staring down Sheldrake's shotgun barrel. "Call me a hick one more time I dare you," Sheldrake growled, eyes trained steady on Elliot.
"Hey!" Austin yelled, "Hey! Enough! I called you both!" He rushed forward and pushed Sheldrake’s arms to shove the gun away from Elliot. "I-I-I called you first thing this morning!” He said to the troll hunter and stepped back, “I said I wanted it out of here!” He looked frantically between Sheldrake and Elliot. “I kept looking through the paper, and I saw the zoo's ad about wanting trolls! I said I wanted it out of here! I tried to call you back but it went straight to voicemail every time." Austin wrung his hands at the two of them, "Look I just want it gone I don't care who gets it or what happens to it I just want it gone!" He pointed to the sun beginning its descent in the distance, "Now that you're both here you can deal with it together. Mr. Chambers has been trying to move it for hours." He looked at the two of them pleadingly, "I just want it gone, just get it out of here."
Sheldrake stormed towards him, "You were the one that failed to mention your house is the size of a damn mansion! Don’t you think that makes some sense to mention?” They threw their left hand towards the enormous house behind Austin, “This ain’t how you deal with a Loggerpuss.” Sheldrake turned to face the enormous troll, "Hell, at this rate it would be better to just hide, let it wake up and walk off come dusk-"
"-That can’t be what you’re considering." Austin said, his voice cracking.
"-That's not happening!" Elliot said at once.
"Well, Jesus!" Sheldrake stomped, and slung their shotgun back over their shoulder.
Austin flinched away from Sheldrake's gun, and asked, "What do we need to do?"
Sheldrake took a glance towards the setting sun, and bit their thumbnail. They looked back towards the troll that Elliot had managed to bind in rope and push onto a ramp extending from the back of the white tractor trailer. "Chambers, what's your idea here?" They asked, sarcasm in their voice.
Elliot replied, "I've bound it up, and this trailer has a built-in cage inside it that should hold it. I'll take it back to Chattanooga, and release it into the enclosure I've designed for trolls. It will be safe there."
Sheldrake pinched their nose, "You gonna drive all the way back to Chatt at night with that thing banging around in the trailer?" They dropped their hand and walked towards Elliot, "It's gonna bang into the side walls here and knock your ass on its side." Sheldrake held their hands to mimic a truck falling over.
"But I've tied it-"
"-Ain't gonna hold, big shot." Sheldrake slapped the troll's stone bicep, their hand only touching a fraction of the enormous muscle, "Look at the guns on this thing." Sheldrake looked at Elliot, "This ain't the troll you want in your zoo."
Elliot rolled his eyes at Sheldrake, "Then what's your great idea here?" He crossed his arms.
Sheldrake turned and jogged back across the yard to their truck, Hattie B. on their heel. Out of the back window they pulled a stick of dynamite and turned to face Austin and Elliot, "Good old fashioned explosives." They grinned wildly.
“You’re crazy!” Elliot stomped and dropped his arms, “You’ll blow up the truck, you’ll blow up his yard and possibly his house! We cannot-”
“-This is the only option we have left! We blow it up while it’s made of stone and the pieces will scatter, sure there might be some collateral-” Sheldrake was interrupted.
“-No, no, please don’t blow up my yard! Isn’t there some other way of doing this?” Austin was pulling at his hair frantically.
“Like I said,” Sheldrake offered, “we wait till night and stay real quiet while it walks off.”
“I am not letting this troll walk off!” Elliot said. “Either it comes with me in the truck, or we take it far enough away to kill it without damaging this young man’s property.”
“This young man gonna have a lot worse things to deal with if we don’t blow up this troll right this second,” Sheldrake hissed.
“Please, ok, can we deal with this quickly?” Austin pointed towards the sky, “While we’re all arguing the sun is still setting!” His voice trembled.
Sheldrake threw up their arms, “Sun’s fine!” They stomped towards the troll with their hounds at their feet. The troll hunter started climbing up to stand in the back of the trailer.
“What are you doing?” Elliot asked incredulously, following closely.
Sheldrake hissed, “Jesus H. Christ,” they stuck the dynamite into the slightly gaped mouth of the troll, “I’m going to blow this thing’s head off. Look, the truck will catch the head pieces, maybe you can even take the body back as a souvenir - you’re a zookeeper right, you love souvenirs.”
“Absolutely not, get down from there,” Elliot pulled at Sheldrake’s legs, “I rented this truck, I have to return it in the same condition I got it!”
“Get the Hell off me,” Sheldrake growled, kicking their leg at Elliot. Maisey jumped up onto the body of the troll and barked at where Elliot was grabbing Sheldrake. Rick ran back and forth, barking, and Hattie B. growled and started biting at Elliot’s ankles.
Elliot yelped and let go of Sheldrake, turning to pull his leg away from the troll-hound, “Control your hound!” He yelled.
Sheldrake jumped down, and had a hand on Hattie B.’s collar. She reared back to jump and bark at Elliot, and the troll hunter struggled against her weight. Meanwhile, the barks of Rick and Maisey grew quiet as their attention was drawn away. Rick began sniffing at the troll’s feet, while Maisey scratched at the stone of the stomach.
Elliot clambered up inside the trailer, and began pulling at the rope he’d tied the troll up with. “Come on, troll hunter,” he said, “push the feet while I pull, c’mon help me get it in here!” As he pulled on the rope, he saw Austin in the distance throw up his hands and storm off towards his house.
“Only if you’ll let me blow it up! No property damage if it’s all inside the truck!” Sheldrake barked back, letting go of Hattie B., who dashed over to where Rick was sniffing at the feet of the troll. Sheldrake ignored their dogs.
“Absolutely not, look,” he pointed at the bars inside the trailer, “it’ll be fine if we just tie it up, I’ve read loads of books about them.” He racked his brain for memory of a type called Loggerpuss.
As the pair continued, the sun hid itself behind Austin’s house in the west, glowing orange, and casting shadow across the yard. Austin stepped out of his house then, with a bag and his yapping Pomeranian on a leash. He walked off, unlocked his car and got in.
Austin rolled down the window of his SUV as he pulled up in front of Sheldrake’s truck. He yelled over to the pair in the trailer, “Hey!” The pair ignored him, and he yelled again before Sheldrake and Elliot turned their heads. Austin pointed towards the horizon, “It’s getting dark, I’m just gonna go!”
“Ain’t dark yet!” Sheldrake hollered back. Austin shook his head and rolled up his window, driving away.
Yet, just then, a crack appeared in the stone giant, and rock crumbled away to reveal a dirty red toe slowly moving back and forth in the shadow of the house.
Maisey, Rick, and Hattie B. started growling low, and barking at the feet of the troll.
“What is it, girls?” Sheldrake asked. When they saw the crumbling stone and wiggling red toes they exclaimed, “Shit! Chambers light that dynamite!”
“What?” Elliot asked incredulously, peering over the head of the troll to see what the commotion was.
“Goddamnit, just light the dynamite and get out of there,” They stormed over to Elliot, throwing him a lighter.
In the truck bed, Elliot had better access to the dynamite. He caught the lighter, but looked between Sheldrake and the troll, “I can’t do it!” He yelped, frozen.
“You wanna die?” Sheldrake screamed, looking nervously at the cracks forming all over the troll, “Light that fucking dynamite!”
Elliot was frozen only for another moment before he saw the pink of the sunset in the distance, and the stone fall away from the troll’s stomach. He scrambled over the softening head of the troll and lit the dynamite before leaping out of the truck and falling onto the grass next to the waking troll. Sheldrake ran to their truck to fetch ammunition for their gun.
The pair could both hear the rumbling of the troll, and the fizz of the dynamite. Elliot yelled desperately and scrambled away. But in the west, the sky went from yellow to gray, and the stone around the troll’s face all fell away. The creature’s skin was a deep, blood red, and it had warts littering its face and shoulders. It bit down on the dynamite in its mouth, extinguishing the spark. The troll sleepily pulled itself to sitting, straining the rope, and spat out the explosive. When it realized it was tied up, the troll flexed its arms and quickly snapped the bindings. It ran a hand down its long face, nose bouncing as the hand pulled away. It gave a yawn, and looked around. The troll stood up and spotted Elliot as he clambered to stand and run away. The red troll lumbered over towards him, thinking him a good easy meal.
“Holy shit!” Elliot screamed, sprinting away from the troll.
“Hold on, Chambers!” Sheldrake yelled, their fingers trembling as they tried to load their gun. Maisey, Rick, and Hattie B. ran circles around the troll, expertly dodging its swipes and kicks as it came closer to Elliot.
The creature gave a huff, and looked past the dogs to the zookeeper, finally taking two quick steps to close the distance. Elliot looked over his shoulder, and fell to the ground in fear as the shadow of the troll encompassed him. The troll reached down and easily lifted Elliot, and the zookeeper screamed, and struggled, until his screams were cut off by the wet crunching of bones.
Sheldrake finally had their gun all ready, and aimed it towards the troll. But it was too late, the Loggerpuss was too quick, too hungry, and Sheldrake felt their limbs buckle as they saw the blood run down the hands of the troll. “Aw, shit,” they cursed, eyes darting to their hounds running circles around the beast. The troll began to stomp as it ate, aiming to squash the little barking creatures. Sheldrake turned back to their truck, and put a foot up into the driver’s side holding themself up as they pulled out their dog whistle, and blew it hard. Maisey, Rick, and Hattie B. turned tail, and raced towards Sheldrake.
The troll cringed, its back arching as the whistle met its ears. It folded itself over, and dropped the remains of its breakfast to bring its hands to its ears. The creature turned, as the dogs each jumped up into the back of Sheldrake’s pickup. The troll hunter slammed the door and started the spluttering old engine. The truck roared to life, and Sheldrake let out a holler of relief before they realized the shaking they felt wasn’t just coming from the truck. They looked over to see the troll stomping their way, and wasted no time in flattening the gas pedal. But the troll was too quick, too big, and its long arm cast deep shadow over the truck as it plucked it from the ground.
“Shit!” Sheldrake turned in the truck to look out the back window, they yelled to their dogs, “Get! Get, you dogs!”
Maisey lept out, followed quickly by Rick and Hattie B. They stuck the landing, as the truck was lifted up, up, towards the long face of the troll. Sheldrake pressed themself into the driver’s chair as they saw the warty, blood stained creature through the window. Down below, Maisey reared up, and sunk her teeth into the leg of the troll. Rick followed suit, tearing and pulling at the tough hide. Hattie B. barked deep and loud before she bit the troll’s toe, and shook her head from side to side until the nail began to split and tear away from the gnarled digit.
The troll let out a howl, a deep, pained sound that echoed for miles. It fell to its knees, dropping the truck, and reached for its leg. The truck smashed into the ground, toppled on its side. Sheldrake shouted, grabbing anything to hold onto as they were tossed around. The hounds scattered in the yard, as the troll examined its toe with a weary groan. Sheldrake squeezed themself out of the truck’s window; they sat up on the edge of the metal and gathered their shotgun. They turned to see the Loggerpuss pushing itself off the ground, standing back up. Sheldrake shouted for their hounds to get away from the beast, but the sound of their voice was drowned out as the troll let out an ear splitting bellow. Maisey, Rick, and Hattie B. began to howl, cowering as their ears rang from the creature’s yell.
Rage emanated off the troll, its face turned to a sour scowl as it locked eyes with the hunter. Sheldrake scrambled to get off the truck, jumping off to try and get away, but as they leapt, the troll reached out and caught them in its firm, bloody grip. Stars danced in the periphery of Sheldrake’s vision as they were brought up to the face of the troll. Hands shaking, they cocked their shotgun as the troll opened its mouth. When the hot, putrid air hit Sheldrake’s face, they screamed, “Okay, you son-of-a-gun, hope you like the taste of lead!” They blasted their gun with a wicked, desperate laugh, and the ammunition exploded into the mouth of the Loggerpuss. The troll staggered with an annoyed groan, and slung Sheldrake violently to the ground. The troll hunter impacted with the dirt, and rolled for several yards before their body went still and limp.
Maisey, Rick, and Hattie B. ran after Sheldrake. Maisey pushed her big troll-hound head up against Sheldrake’s and licked their face. Rick whined and pawed at their shoulder, pulling at the troll hunter’s green jacket. Hattie B. let out little whining barks as she shoved her muzzle under her master’s hand.
Staggering a ways away, the troll’s legs bumped into the tractor trailer. The troll paused, stuck out its tongue, and wiped its hand down the slimy length of it. It spat on the ground, apparently not liking the taste of lead very much. The troll let out a massive sigh, its belly wobbling as it breathed. It peered over to the hunter and their dogs, and then began to lumber towards the still body. The hounds scattered as it approached, running low and circling as the massive creature bent over to collect Sheldrake’s body. Maisey, Rick, and Hattie B. gave chase as the Loggerpuss made off with Sheldrake, but its long legs carried it further than the dogs could follow. Moonlight beamed over the tops of the trees, as the rare troll disappeared with its snack into the forest.